When You're Out Of Schlitz, You're Out Of Beer

(or) You In The Mesh Hat, Beware

by Bill Tuomala

I drink Schlitz. I love Schlitz. I would marry Schlitz if the damned state would allow marriage between man and cheap beer. Because when I need the real taste of beer, the hearty taste of beer, the beer that tastes like beer tasted when you had that first sip sitting on dad's lap five years old, him holding the can to your lips beer sweet forbidden beer kids shouldn't drink it but one day you'll be a grownup and you'll drink beer you'll go to Rite Spot Liquors to buy twelve-packs and flats you'll go to the Highlander to Big Daddy's and order beer on tap or served in bottles along with a small glass to pour in and drink from. Yes, beer.

Schlitz is all of this, and it's generally under six bucks a twelve-box. Schlitz is the beer that made Milwaukee famous. Schlitz was the number one beer in America, but in the late sixties they messed with the brewing process and it became disregarded, then cheap, beer. But I've had Schlitz, one after the other after the other, and its taste is just the kiss of the hops.

Children, I tell you this because the beer is too damn good to be overlooked, and inevitably the day will come when you too are drinking Schlitz. So you kids with your Pabst (I was drinking it when you were in three-cornered pants and was mocked) and your Grain Belt Premiums (I was drinking it fifteen years ago before gentrification and was mocked -- in fact ten years ago I was scoring regular Grain Belt at $6.99 for a case of longnecks) when you're drinking Schlitz and the price is moving from $5.39 a twelver to $6.49 to $7.99, I want some goddamned respect! You pups better be flocking around me saying: "BILL TUOMALA! THE MAN! You told us this day would come! We were taking a break from watching VH1 to reminisce ironically about things that happened three days ago and were looking for a discarded thing from the past to adopt as an affectation. Now we drink Schlitz and are ADMIRED for it! It's cool! You said this back in '04 with the stunning tour de force that was Exiled #39! Can I buy ya? Can I buy ya?"

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