Options missing from my recently-acquired, Finlander-

produced, Nokia cell phone.


  1. “Forward calls to voice mail as I’m in a vodka
    stupor” button
  2. “Warm up sauna now” button
  3. “Tell Russians to fuck off” button
  4.  “Don’t make me talk to you, just instant text
    me” button
  5.  “Page a cab, I’m blotto” button